"Spinning in Doubt"

As I continue in this journey of self-discovery, personally and professionally, there is something so apparent and obvious to me now that I never really noticed before.  It impacted my personal and professional life and kept me stuck in situations and positions that were unhealthy and toxic.  Now that I have seen this in myself, and quite honestly had some of my friends point it out, I SEE IT EVERYWHERE in those around me.

What is this crazy thing we do to ourselves that send us into a spinning circle of doubt?

WE DO NOT TRUST OURSELVES…

So many times recently I have heard my coaches, and friends say, “Well, what do you think is right? “Go with your gut”, “What do you think”, “Trust yourself” BOOM! Yeah; wait… why don’t I do that?!?! I make decent decisions… Right?!?!.  Well, not all of them. (Oh; wait. There it is; the self-destructive judgement popped up again because I have not been “PERFECT”.  I punish myself by not trusting my inner true self anymore.  

This has been life altering for me.  Once I really heard this statement, and let it resonate, I realized that I did not and still do not completely trust myself.  I am working hard at it, and let me tell you…  It is HARD, but so rewarding like most things that are worth-while.  Why do I doubt my inner voice? Why do I avoid sitting and talking with her?  Whether you believe it to be God, the universe, or your intuition… Why is it that we hush that voice inside of us?  When I sit with myself and meditate and take time to let my inner Bethany/ God/ Universe speak to me, things become very clear.  Whether it is that I know the right decision or it points me in the direction of the person who does, the whispering voice is there waiting for me to take a minute and let her speak.  

Truth being told… When looking back at major “poor” decisions, they were less of my own choice and more of me trying to follow what I thought the world wanted out of me, or my culture had ingrained in me.

Ok, deep breath!!! Truth explosion because I think it’s important to show the raw hard truth.  I did not sit with myself and really think about my first marriage.  I was caught up in what I was supposed to do; the role I was supposed to fill.  Also, there was a deep void inside me where I needed to be loved because I didn’t love myself yet.  I didn’t leave my social work job as soon as I should have even though I was treated poorly, overworked, underpaid, accused of things I did not do, and punished on my evaluation for being a single mom.  There were many occasions when I used my personally and sick days when my son was sick, or I couldn’t come in early or stay late.  But side note, I did my job!  I was fucking good at it, but that didn’t matter.   I knew it wasn’t right! Deep down in my heart and in my soul, when I sat with it, it was wrong, so wrong!  It was only until I really heard the message I was telling my son, “You can be whatever you want when you grow up; you teach people how to treat you”,  that the inner voice hit me in the face and said,  “Damn, you are not living that life Bethany!”

Now I see the power in trusting yourself.  The freedom in sitting and listening to yourself and moving forward with the path you have chosen.  What is “right” and “wrong” is no one person’s decision but your own! They are not in your shoes and have not lived your life.   And you know what that MINE, it’s MY life, MY mistake, or MY success to make.  On top of that,  some of my biggest “mistakes” have made me the BADASS that I am today. I pride myself in being a fighter and survivor.  My heart is on my sleeve; never giving up, radiating love and understanding women that I strive to be. 

One of my favorite authors said it best, and if you have not read her new book, you MUST! 

“No one else has lived the life that we are being asked to live. Every single one of our lives is an unprecedented experiment. I think that there is no map. We are all pioneers, and the only way to know what is next for us and begin trusting ourselves is to cut off all the noises on the outside and start to practice going within with some kind of stillness practice, which is just practicing looking inward for a guide instead of outward with a map”  - Glennon Doyle , Author of Love Warrior & Untamed.